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leave me alone :\

That's exactly what I'm saying to these thoughts of Robin, but they won't go away. Even thinking of other boys isn't working. Robin's not even the slightest bit good-looking, so what is he compared to the loveliness of Lovely Dan? Everything, I then think, because Dan is 14 (and also a complete bastard according to Danii) so he is way out of my league. As Alex says, "bigger is better", so who would want Robin's protruding bones, below-normal BMI etc. when there's Jab's rolls of jelly? But then, we have "bigger is better" in the case of his other protruding bone, nob size bigger than his BMI etc. which beats Rikki's carefully-shaven bikini line (ha ha!) any day. There's also the question of why I'm actually listening to Alex, who only uses the phrase "bigger is better" to justify his love for Hattie, in the first place. Also, Robin doesn't even like me, at least not in that way. Why not pick Richard, who has treated me as his princess, or Scott, who followed me constantly while trying (and failing) to hide his undying lurve? Then I remember that Richard is a necrophiliac and Scott has a fucked-up nose and a mullet that isn't really a mullet. OK, so other boys won't work, but what if I did get back together with Robin and we got married? I'd be widowed at 31, and then I'd be lonely after that and I could never get a new bloke when I'd still be red-faced, eyebrowless Becke, but with added wrinkles and a greying mullet. But at least I would have had love in my life, and even if I hadn't married Robin, I'd inevitably be single at that age.

So I say it again and again, "leave me alone!", and it doesn't work. For God's sake, I only started thinking of Robin a few hours ago (this morning I was still going on about Dan, yesterday morning it wasn't even him) and now I'm getting bloody obsessed again. I wish I hadn't fucked up that relationship.

I wish I had someone. Anyone. :( Bloody credit ratings.

- b.k. x

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