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:(

Got reply from Hana. It was not good. I've certainly lost her as a friend. I just hope that Chris will stay friends with me, because I do like Chris a lot and he is one of the coolest people I know. Me making up all those lies about him was only a way to hide from Pooka the real truth about what happened. I didn't mean to hurt Chris or anyone. The right thing would have been to not tell anyone, to tell Chris and Shaun not to tell anyone and leave it at that. But I was just unable to do that because I'm such a stupid, horrible person who thinks nothing of scarring people for life and wrecking their relationships.

I thought this was all dead and buried. Half (well, nearly all) the Farleigh people, students and staff, know nothing of it. Now everyone will know, and there will be a massive chain reaction that will turn Charlie and Scott and Rikki against me, and as they have so much influence over Farleigh, everyone will follow their lead and turn against me and I'll have no friends whatsoever. It's what should happen to me. There is nothing in this world I deserve. I don't even deserve to live. I hate myself.

Time for a fag - I hope I burn myself or get lung cancer or something.

- b.k. x

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
virtualcourtney
Jul. 13th, 2004 08:10 am (UTC)
You deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. Everybody makes mistakes or acts carelessly--the question is whether or not you learn from it.
bikz
Jul. 13th, 2004 08:30 am (UTC)
true
But this is more than a mistake. I fucked up someone's life. And fucked up someone else's with other "mistakes". Do I deserve to be happy if I do things like that? :(

b.k. x
virtualcourtney
Jul. 13th, 2004 08:54 am (UTC)
Re: true
You always deserve to be happy. The end. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't take responsibility, but it does mean that you shouldn't punish yourself over things you've done that you can't change.

Lives are versatile. Things that seem earth-shattering today will seem smaller and less important in hindsight.
morti
Jul. 13th, 2004 11:08 am (UTC)
Re: true
All we really ever deserve is death but by grace we can get more than that. Basically, don't think anybody "deserves" anything more than anyone else, so it's never really the point.

Cheer up, and consider what we have anyway which we never really deserved.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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