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grr

SO pissed off with Jenn and Cat. I try to discuss my problems with them, and all I hear is "What you wearing for the skate park?", "Who's gonna be at the skate park?", "When are you getting your six-month anniversary present for Stu?", "How do you think I should do my make-up?", "Wasn't the taxi crap last night?", "Becke, can I cadge a fag off you if I pay you back later?", "Becke, can I borrow your top?" and so on. All I need is a little help and support, from someone, anyone, and being as Jenn knows everything about what's going on in my life and nobody else does, she's probably the best person to talk to, and Cat - well, I've always supported her when she was having problems with Dave (her bloke), so I thought she might at least pay me back for that. But no. It'd be OK if I wasn't trying to talk to them, or at least if they let me talk for half a minute before reverting to skate park talk, but nope. They talked over the top of me, for fuck's sake.

Jenn's changed a lot since Spain, but that was probably because, apart from talking to Stu and Cat and Danii for five minutes on the phone every day, she only had me to talk to. And she was supportive to me while I listened to her Stu talk, which wasn't too bad as conversation is give and take. But now she's got Cat and the rest of her mates to talk to, I matter nothing to her any more. And so I have no-one.

I wish Hana wasn't on holiday now, or at least if I had her phone number or she used an internet café. Apart from that time we fell out, she's been lovely to me. Or Jab, he's always listened to me, but he's buggered off to France. Or if Sam had a phone that worked. Or if Tim and I had never had a "loving" relationship and could still talk as friends. Or if Shaun was any use, like, at all. Or if my usual 3am point of call didn't hate my guts.

"I feel him slipping through my fingers, now he's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on, and knives cut through my veins now, that he's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on" - Busted - Sleeping With The Light On (slightly modified)

I can't always rely on Busted to make me feel better. Or James, my favourite band, for that matter, now that Tim Booth is connected with Lisa. That woman who stabbed my heart and left the wound to fester forever.

Why is everything so .... well, BAD?

- b.k. x

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