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wow

Upset myself again. I found an e-mail, dated 9/9/2002, entitled "be opened by the wonderful", which has been sitting in my Keep This folder for a very, very long time. I don't know why I kept it being as I deleted all the rest of the e-mails when we split, but I suppose I just liked this one - just as Robin has still never taken off his "I'll wear this as long as I love you" necklace ever since we bought them (may he be as hurt, literally, as I was for wearing mine - I've still got the scar from when the bloody thing cut my chin open), because he likes it. I burnt mine and the remains of it are somewhere under a tree in North Parade, ha ha.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, this e-mail. "I really, really, really, really, really like you", "I used to tune into PTMY to hear your voice", "I'm also thinking about you all the time", "I think you're very pretty", "I love you". It's so hard to believe that Pooka said all these stuffs, being as 1. he'd never met me when he sent this and 2. he hates me now. It's also full of jabber, and jabber is the best way to talk (this is not to do with Jab, jabberers are quite common in this world and most of the people I know can jabber quite effectively).

If I was the strong woman I so badly want to be, I'd delete it, but because I'm such a weak, wimpy piece of shit, it's staying. Why can't I sort myself out? Why can't I move on? Why can't I change?

"I'll never fall in love again, it's all over now."

- b.k. x

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