How can I stand this? Which is my way of life - optimism ("don't dream it's over") or pessimism ("don't dream, it's over")? I opt for pessimism. They come and build a wall between us. We know they will win. This wall is built, and no matter how high I climb or what weapons of mass destruction (ha ha) I use to knock it down, it refuses to fall, refusing, at the same time, to make my life any better.
Who needs life when all that I need does not need me, the precious few who do need me are far away, and, worst of all, all that I love does not love me? Everyone I see these days is partnered, with a lover or at least a friend, but I am here, all on my own, with nothing but a few cats for company, and they make me sneeze anyway. OK, so some catless person might be jealous of me having Jazz, James and Mikki, but catless people might have lovers and/or friends so that being catless is not that important.
Love is such a bitch. It's all I really need. I don't even have a crush, for fuck's sake, and whether I want one or not is beyond me. All I have is a love of my life, but who needs that when they throw shit back in your face and talk of their friends and how great they are and make you feel SO FUCKING INADEQUATE that not even a cup of tea or a fag or a purge or self-mutilation might comfort you?
By the way, for those who know what I'm on about, 12th August will be spent in cow pyjamas with cups of tea, fags and endless amounts of binge food. The old plan has gone. Who needs it when I'm so unwanted?
Blame this on Dementia Provera should you so wish, but this time, it's different. I am living with a sexually transmitted disease, the most deadly of them all. Its name is Life, it causes heartache and depression, and it inevitably ends in death. Why didn't my parents know the meaning of the word "condom"?
- b.k. x