bikz (bikz) wrote,

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"maybe i'm just deranged, or on the rebound ...."

Feeling down again. Feeling fat as fuck. How come everywhere you go, SOMEONE IS FUCKING GOING ON ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS!? I can't handle it, I really can't. All these people with beautiful pictures, people taller than me with weights lower than mine, saying how much they need to lose weight. YOU FUCKING DON'T. I was brought back to a moment of Jamesism. Watching him deterioriate over those three years (I didn't know him all of those years, but still), from a dangerously overweight binge eater to a dangerously underweight anorectic. That last scrawly diary entry, found by Kate and Kerryn under his mattress at the hospital. Barely readable. The last thing he ever wrote. And addressed to me. The most touching thing ever. :(

It didn't help that I'd just come out of a moment of Justinism, so jealous that my face may as well have turned green. This is about as superficial and as stupid as it gets, but I have the tendency to be superficial and stupid. Deal with it. Just read an article that his manager and girlfriend has won another Best Person Ever award or something. There was a picture of her there - and she's beautiful. I looked for some flab, a spot, a bad outfit, any imperfection at all, and there isn't one. The whole rest of the board (apart from some weirdo Darkness hater) was congratulating her. If she's taking for granted what she's got, I'll deck her and I'll deck her hard. When I took for granted what I'd got and replaced it with something else, something that three of my best friends (Sam, Kelly and Hattie) had all warned me to keep away from and I should've listened to them, I fucked up my life completely. But the thing is, that woman has more than a perfect boyfriend - she's got looks and fame and money and all this stuffs I've wished for all my life, and I never got. I had one thing and I threw it away.

And so, here it comes - the infamous moment of Pookaism. The worst -ism of them all. James has been dead for more than two years, so I can't have him now. Justin - well, I said superficial and stupid, and I meant it. Plus he's someone I'll never meet, so what's the point? But Pooka's someone who is alive, and someone I can and will meet again. I may have buggered up my chances, but I think of myself as a Pandora's Box. I got all the bad stuffs in me, but there's one good thing - HOPE. I can hope and I can dream (even though dreams are kinda shit right now, I get to the good bit, then either I wake up or something bad happens). Whatever I want, right there in front of me. The thing is, none of it will ever be real.

"See the black tangled heart, fall ...."

- b.k. x


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