August 29th, 2003

The Party Scene

changes ....

I'm not just going to change my journal, I'm going to change everything. I'm changing colleges, I'm changing where I live, I'm changing my medication and I'm changing my journal - so why not change everything else?

1. First and foremost, I'm going to officially start dieting again. I don't want to be how I used to be, on-and-off dieting, obsessed with losing weight but never actually taking action. I need to exercise more and eat less. Less biscuits, less fudge, less everything. One or two small, unfinished meals per day, no snacks inbetween. That's it.

2. As for eating disorders, I want to give up recovery. I like Liz and I have nothing against Dinah, but being in recovery's just showed me that I have nothing to recover from. All I have is my half-arsed mindset. Why go into recovery for anorexia when I'm not even thin?

3. Also ED-related, bulimia has got to go entirely. I haven't purged in ages (I've binged and thought about it, but not actually thrown up), and I want to keep it that way. I don't even want to use it as a safety net if I do binge, which I won't. It doesn't work for me. I don't like it. I'm giving up induced vomiting forever.

4. Vomiting, as well as the fudge and biscuits, has caused my already-terrible teeth to get even worse. I need to get to the dentist ASAP and, no matter how scared I am, get fillings in those disgusting cavities. It's more of a long-term ideal than right now, but it's got to get sorted. I won't request gold teeth or white fillings like Jenny did, but something has to be done.

5. Along with new thinness and new teeth, my appearance has got to change. I want my hair cut and curled professionally, plus a new hair colour. Something I've never had before, not plain black or blonde or ginger. I'm thinking either a simple light brown or either blue, purple or scarlet, but so dark that you can only see it in the light. I also want a whole new wardrobe (well, I'll have one of those already, but I need new clothes to put in it!) and something to sort out my face. I don't think there's a permanent cure for eczema, but if there was I'd be first in line to get it. I'll have to stick with caking on the cream.

6. I need to stop crying about everything. Deryck is dead, anorexia killed him, I'm not going to be like him, get over it! When Pooka's depressed, I need to keep myself from crying when I could be hugging him and helping him. A pound I've gained or haven't lost isn't worth floods of tears, I'll just eat less and go down the gym the next day. I don't want to be un-emotional, it's just that crying is holding me back from positive thinking.

7. One thing I do NOT want to change - my boyfriend, Pooka. It's fairly obvious that I would never give him up, call off the engagement or want to see him less, I just want it clear that although I'm changing so many other things, one thing I will not change is that I love him so much that I can't describe it in words and I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

That is all - sorry for the long post, guys, if you want an lj-cut just tell me and I'll edit!

- m.a. x

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