December 13th, 2003

The Party Scene

feeling nothing

Read Pooka's latest LJ entry - normally it would have said to me, "Oh my God Becke, look what you've done to him, you need to take him back right now or you may as well go and kill yourself", but it hasn't. I feel nothing.

How am I supposed to feel? I don't know. But any feelings are welcome right now. I want to dance happy happy joy joy, I want to break down crying. Heck, even PMT would be received with a smile (even though the smile wouldn't last long). Anything other than this insomnia / nicotine craving will do.

Need sleep. Need a cigarette. Need love.

Can't get any of them.

- k.s. x

  • Current Music
    my own personal farts - wish someone would tell me off
The Party Scene

smoking, sex and Man City, etc.

I smell like fags, and not of the Chris Pardoe variety - hope my mum doesn't notice (or go looking through my bag and find the 9 remaining Mayfairs and cheap 50p lighter I just bought). Why oh why did I have to go out for cigarettes with Robin so many times? Why did I breathe the smoke? Why did I kiss him? Either way, I know I'm addicted now, and there's fuck all I can do about it. Oh well, at least it'll keep my weight down. And I do actually like smoking, even though it's bad for me.

Also pissed off, for the first time ever, that we don't have digital TV. I'm gonna miss the Man Utd v Man City match, miss my team thrashing Robin's team - ha, I wish. After Newcrapple thrashed us because I wasn't watching (or maybe it's because Man City are crap, but we're not as crap as them - right?), we've got to win it.

God, Becke used to hate smoking and football. And Robin, for that matter. I wouldn't be surprised if Pooka hates my guts now. He likes "Becki", the girl who liked Harry Potter and Pokémon, the girl who was unhappy with her appearance but happy with her boyfriend, the girl who wanted to get married and be with him forever, rather than wanting to live with a bunch of old Farleigh mates. Even I can see I've changed. Do I like the changes? I don't know. Pooka's coming over later to drop off Christmas presents. Do I want to see him? Does he want to see me? Is it a good idea to answer the door, or should my mum do that? More things I don't know.

I don't know much, do I?

- k.s. x

  • Current Music
    Catatonia - Bulimic Beats
The Party Scene

phonecalls / presents

Talking to Robin on the phone is so much like talking to Pooka used to be - they make the same jokes and talk about a lot of the same things (except that Robin has a gayer voice, more bitchiness, more boners, et ceteri). It's so scary! I wonder, have I picked the same person twice!?

Apart from that, Pooka did turn up and I received his presents. I quite liked them to be honest. Orgasmic musical instrument! CD of three mad people being mad! Video of dancing Hats! BIG WOODEN STICK! :D Thanks, Pooka. Much better than the presents we got him - a big stuffed kitten and a biscuit tin.

That's about it for now.

- k.s. x

  • Current Music
    Jack Off Jill - Strawberry Gashes