July 13th, 2004

The Party Scene

good thing or bad thing - not sure ....

Just sent v. long e-mail to Hana explaining everything. She'll probably hate me for how much I may have hurt Chris with what I did, but the most important thing is her relationship with Chris. I do think she's a very cool person and would like to be friends with her, but I'd much rather that she stayed with Chris and loved him forever and ever (well, maybe not, but they have one of the best relationships I've ever known of and they definitely have the potential for that) than carried on being friends with me and ended it with him.

Really, really hope this works .... :\

- b.k. x

  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous
Cute cute Biscuit

:(

Got reply from Hana. It was not good. I've certainly lost her as a friend. I just hope that Chris will stay friends with me, because I do like Chris a lot and he is one of the coolest people I know. Me making up all those lies about him was only a way to hide from Pooka the real truth about what happened. I didn't mean to hurt Chris or anyone. The right thing would have been to not tell anyone, to tell Chris and Shaun not to tell anyone and leave it at that. But I was just unable to do that because I'm such a stupid, horrible person who thinks nothing of scarring people for life and wrecking their relationships.

I thought this was all dead and buried. Half (well, nearly all) the Farleigh people, students and staff, know nothing of it. Now everyone will know, and there will be a massive chain reaction that will turn Charlie and Scott and Rikki against me, and as they have so much influence over Farleigh, everyone will follow their lead and turn against me and I'll have no friends whatsoever. It's what should happen to me. There is nothing in this world I deserve. I don't even deserve to live. I hate myself.

Time for a fag - I hope I burn myself or get lung cancer or something.

- b.k. x

  • Current Mood
    crushed in tears ....
Cute cute Biscuit

an appropriate song (well, some of it - don't quite understand the whole lot)

"Biscuit"

I'm lost, exposed,
Stranger things will come your way,
It's just I'm scared,
Got hurt a long time ago,
Can't make myself heard,
No matter how hard I scream.

Oh sensation,
Sin, slave of sensation.

Fully fed yet I still hunger,
Torn inside,
Haunted I tell myself yet I still wander,
Down, inside,
It's tearing me apart.

Oh sensation,
Sin, slave of sensation.

I'll never fall in love again,
It's all over now.

At last, relief,
A mother's son has left me sheer,
The shores I seek,
Are crimson tastes divine,
Can't make myself heard,
No matter how hard I scream.

Oh sensation,
Sin, slave of sensation.

I'll never fall in love again,
It's all over now.


Great song. But why name it after a biscuit, of all things!?

- b.k. x

  • Current Music
    Portishead - Biscuit
Cute cute Biscuit

considering "biscuit"

The name "Biscuit" fits better than any other for the song, for me at least (and probably Beth Gibbons as well). You know why? Because the one I loved more than anyone else, the real love of my life, was named Biscuit. I'm not a cat molester or anything, it's not love like that. Love can come in many forms, and the love between a boy and a girl (or a boy and a boy, or a girl and a girl) is only one of them. We can love our families, we can love our friends, we can love our possessions, or, in my case, we can love our pets.

Rest In Peace, my dear Biscuit, 2000-2001. If only he were still alive and sitting on my lap, purring, at this very moment. Everything wouldn't be perfect, but maybe it would be a little bit better if I had my beloved kitten.

I hope he's having a good time playing with all the other kitties on Rainbow Bridge (that's cat heaven, BTW). Maybe he's met up with Moses, my other previous cat, and they're sitting together at a kitten table with kitten cups of tea, discussing how much their owner loved them. It's a comforting thought - but, more realistically, if there is a Rainbow Bridge, Moses is probably chasing other cats' tails and terrifying the quiet ones. Bless.

Why am I suddenly falling apart over a cat that died over three years ago? Honestly, I think I'm having an early midlife crisis (worrying, because maybe I'm destined to only live to 36 .... still longer than Robin, should consider myself lucky .... he left me .... watch this face for more tears). Or maybe I've just got Jabitis again, I remember crying so much that I'm surprised North Parade wasn't flooded when I had my first jab. Pth, God knows what it is (and she isn't willing to tell me - maybe I should ask?), but something's wrong.

- b.k. x

  • Current Music
    James - Lullaby
The Party Scene

reading

I've been reading "Candlemas" by Amber K and Azrael Arynn K. OK, so it's not the most compelling read ever to exist, but I love the Tales of Brigid. I often read something and think "I wish I was like her", but I want to be like Brigid more than I could ever want to be like anyone else. Sadly, being Brigandine Wiccan and wanting to be a good person like Brigid is not enough to promote me to God status. In fact, the way I am now demotes me to something the opposite of God status, whatever that is. I probably can't even call myself a witch any more, because I have always said that there is no such thing as a bad witch.

Must make resolution to be like modern-day Brigid - but how do I do that? I doubt I will see any lepers wanting to be healed or cows wanting to be rescued any time in the near future, and I doubt even more that I could perform the required miracles. I wonder what she'd be doing if she lived today? Whatever it would be, one wouldn't be likely to find her sitting around smoking, drinking tea and typing her LiveJournal while people's lives have been wrecked by what she did.

- b.k. x

  • Current Music
    Sarah McLachlan - Angel
The Party Scene

right.

Gave Hana my version of the 27/11/2002 thing, but apparently Chris has given a different version of events. Will ask Hana what that is, also must phone Shaun and ask what he saw and thought of it. I'll do both of those things tomorrow - need to get the real truth about this sorted. But for now, goodnight all.

- b.k. x

  • Current Mood
    determined determined