August 7th, 2004

Cute cute Biscuit

life ....

Bored. Confused. Depressed. Frustrated. Many other things too.

How can I stand this? Which is my way of life - optimism ("don't dream it's over") or pessimism ("don't dream, it's over")? I opt for pessimism. They come and build a wall between us. We know they will win. This wall is built, and no matter how high I climb or what weapons of mass destruction (ha ha) I use to knock it down, it refuses to fall, refusing, at the same time, to make my life any better.

Who needs life when all that I need does not need me, the precious few who do need me are far away, and, worst of all, all that I love does not love me? Everyone I see these days is partnered, with a lover or at least a friend, but I am here, all on my own, with nothing but a few cats for company, and they make me sneeze anyway. OK, so some catless person might be jealous of me having Jazz, James and Mikki, but catless people might have lovers and/or friends so that being catless is not that important.

Love is such a bitch. It's all I really need. I don't even have a crush, for fuck's sake, and whether I want one or not is beyond me. All I have is a love of my life, but who needs that when they throw shit back in your face and talk of their friends and how great they are and make you feel SO FUCKING INADEQUATE that not even a cup of tea or a fag or a purge or self-mutilation might comfort you?

By the way, for those who know what I'm on about, 12th August will be spent in cow pyjamas with cups of tea, fags and endless amounts of binge food. The old plan has gone. Who needs it when I'm so unwanted?

Blame this on Dementia Provera should you so wish, but this time, it's different. I am living with a sexually transmitted disease, the most deadly of them all. Its name is Life, it causes heartache and depression, and it inevitably ends in death. Why didn't my parents know the meaning of the word "condom"?

- b.k. x

  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
The Party Scene

better be home soon

Somewhere deep inside, something's got a hold on you,
And it's pushing me aside, see it stretch on forever,
And I know I'm right, for the first time in my life,
That's why I tell you, you'd better be home soon.

Stripping back the cones of lies and deception,
Back to nothingness, like a week in the desert,
And I know I'm right, for the first time in my life,
That's why I tell you, you'd better be home soon.

So don't say no, don't say nothing's wrong,
Cuz when you get back home, maybe I'll be gone,
Gone ....

Life goes on, life goes on, life goes on ....

It would cause me pain if we were to end it,
But I could start again, you can depend on it,
And I know I'm right, for the first time in my life,
That's why I tell you, you'd better be home soon,
That's why I tell you, you'd better be home soon.

- b.k. x

  • Current Music
    Crowded House - Better Be Home Soon
The Party Scene

grr

SO pissed off with Jenn and Cat. I try to discuss my problems with them, and all I hear is "What you wearing for the skate park?", "Who's gonna be at the skate park?", "When are you getting your six-month anniversary present for Stu?", "How do you think I should do my make-up?", "Wasn't the taxi crap last night?", "Becke, can I cadge a fag off you if I pay you back later?", "Becke, can I borrow your top?" and so on. All I need is a little help and support, from someone, anyone, and being as Jenn knows everything about what's going on in my life and nobody else does, she's probably the best person to talk to, and Cat - well, I've always supported her when she was having problems with Dave (her bloke), so I thought she might at least pay me back for that. But no. It'd be OK if I wasn't trying to talk to them, or at least if they let me talk for half a minute before reverting to skate park talk, but nope. They talked over the top of me, for fuck's sake.

Jenn's changed a lot since Spain, but that was probably because, apart from talking to Stu and Cat and Danii for five minutes on the phone every day, she only had me to talk to. And she was supportive to me while I listened to her Stu talk, which wasn't too bad as conversation is give and take. But now she's got Cat and the rest of her mates to talk to, I matter nothing to her any more. And so I have no-one.

I wish Hana wasn't on holiday now, or at least if I had her phone number or she used an internet café. Apart from that time we fell out, she's been lovely to me. Or Jab, he's always listened to me, but he's buggered off to France. Or if Sam had a phone that worked. Or if Tim and I had never had a "loving" relationship and could still talk as friends. Or if Shaun was any use, like, at all. Or if my usual 3am point of call didn't hate my guts.

"I feel him slipping through my fingers, now he's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on, and knives cut through my veins now, that he's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on" - Busted - Sleeping With The Light On (slightly modified)

I can't always rely on Busted to make me feel better. Or James, my favourite band, for that matter, now that Tim Booth is connected with Lisa. That woman who stabbed my heart and left the wound to fester forever.

Why is everything so .... well, BAD?

- b.k. x

  • Current Music
    Busted - Sleeping With The Light On
The Party Scene

hmm

Things bit better now. royster and Scott both been listening to me, even though they have their stuffs - Roy's being the most important as he's having complicated surgery and it will be nasty and worrying, and he'll miss Busted because of the recovery (even though that's a dim thing for me to think about!). Scott talking about how he "gets easy" at the weekend - wha!? [EDIT : he missed a word out and meant "get bored easy"]

Anyway, still in my room, still in wincyette pyjamas, drinking tea and listening to all the love songs and depressing songs I have. It's a wonderful life, isn't it? I love it so much.

- b.k. x

  • Current Music
    Busted - 3am
The Party Scene

wow

Upset myself again. I found an e-mail, dated 9/9/2002, entitled "be opened by the wonderful", which has been sitting in my Keep This folder for a very, very long time. I don't know why I kept it being as I deleted all the rest of the e-mails when we split, but I suppose I just liked this one - just as Robin has still never taken off his "I'll wear this as long as I love you" necklace ever since we bought them (may he be as hurt, literally, as I was for wearing mine - I've still got the scar from when the bloody thing cut my chin open), because he likes it. I burnt mine and the remains of it are somewhere under a tree in North Parade, ha ha.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, this e-mail. "I really, really, really, really, really like you", "I used to tune into PTMY to hear your voice", "I'm also thinking about you all the time", "I think you're very pretty", "I love you". It's so hard to believe that Pooka said all these stuffs, being as 1. he'd never met me when he sent this and 2. he hates me now. It's also full of jabber, and jabber is the best way to talk (this is not to do with Jab, jabberers are quite common in this world and most of the people I know can jabber quite effectively).

If I was the strong woman I so badly want to be, I'd delete it, but because I'm such a weak, wimpy piece of shit, it's staying. Why can't I sort myself out? Why can't I move on? Why can't I change?

"I'll never fall in love again, it's all over now."

- b.k. x

  • Current Music
    Portishead - Biscuit
The Party Scene

LOL!

I am so stupid.

I ordered a book with 1-Click on Amazon - and didn't realise my default address was Farleigh!

So I wasted 8 quid on something I'll never get.

If anyone asks, I'll say someone sent it as a gift and didn't realise I'd moved out, and could it be forwarded?

I am as dim as they come .... no wonder nobody loves me.

- b.k. x

  • Current Music
    James - Lullaby (I hope Lisa never wrecks this song)