Do you wanna piece of me?

I just read 16 months' worth of Pooka's LJ (sad, huh?).

And, at a guess from that, he was going to dump me.

What should I be? Glad that I got there first so that I didn't get hurt ....

.... or did I deserve the hurt? Yes, I did.

Damn, even if Robin didn't exist the relationship would be over by now.

So much for unconditional love.

*cries*

- b.k. x

Can't sleep.

Seriously, can't sleep, because ....

1. I'm not tired, like, at all.

2. Even if I was tired, I'm crying too much to sleep.

3. Even if I was tired and I didn't cry, I can't sleep because I'm afraid to dream.

Dreams cannot be good at a time like this.

Need someone to talk to. Could phone Pooka, but what if he's asleep and I annoy him?

My mum would be good, but she's definitely asleep. And Jenn's at Danii's.

The ones I'd talk to online are Hana, Roy, Scott and Rikki, but none of them are on.

Why do my bad feelings usually come in the early hours of the morning?

To fuck up my life, that's why. And I deserve it.

- b.k. x

Can't be arsed to be online.

Can't be arsed to listen to music.

Can't be arsed to have a bath.

Can't be arsed to drink tea.

Can't be arsed to smoke.

Can't be arsed to read.

Can't be arsed to go back to bed.

I am fast becoming Chris Pardoe - that and a crazy cat-lady (or a sleepy kitten).

- b.k. x

I had a weird dream last night, mostly about different-coloured kittens.

( Collapse )

- b.k. x

These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears,
And I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.

I'm so bored and/or sad that I'm quoting endless relevant song lyrics on LJ ....

.... I need a life.

- b.k. x

Was about to post a thing where I described my life using titles of Busted songs, but it was 1. v. v. sad because I'd used every Busted song ever released, all the singles, album tracks and B-sides, plus one that was never released, 2. it was getting silly by the end (how the hell do I include "Thunderbirds Are Go!"?) and 3. it was a bit too revealing about my private life. So I Said No to putting it up. Ha ha ha, that's not funny. :P

Anyway, so what I'm going to say is - I just got a call from Shaun, more Sandy Balls trivia, and I was getting annoyed. The truth is about Sandy Balls ....

I DON'T WANT TO GO.

Seriously, I don't. I did at first, but now Shaun's made such a big thing of it. If it was a last-minute plan, I'd love it and be looking forward to it. But being as we have been planning for months on end, and it's going to cost me a lot of money that I don't even have, it's pissed me off so much. I wish I suddenly had something to do that couldn't be done any other day - last-minute RPG place, big party with Jenny's mates, seeing other friends, some holiday I'd forgotten about, assessment at Rookery House, doctor's appointment, exam for some course I forgot I was doing, bikini wax, smear test, Pooka's wedding, my funeral .... ANYTHING would do.

I wish Sandy Balls wasn't my place (well, my family's place). If it wasn't, I'd have pulled out a long time ago. But the thing is, I have to go, or no-one goes. And I'm nice enough not to ruin Shaun's fun (and Sam's and Ben's too, but they don't care as much as Shaun and would probably just say, "OK" if the whole thing was called off).

Why did I ever agree to this?

- b.k. x

Me : "He still loves me, he says."
Them : "And you love him?"
Me : "More than ever."
Them : "So if he loves you, and you love him, why aren't you together?"
Me : "It's complicated."
Them : "How is it complicated?"
Me : "I don't know, it just is."
Them : "Well if you don't know, why aren't you together?"
*I put phone down / run away as appropriate*

I should stop talking to people about things.

- b.k. x