August 14th, 2004

The Party Scene

oh for fuck sake!

Seriously. I cannot believe this. My period has lasted five weeks so far and is still going strong. FIVE FUCKING WEEKS! Whatever gender you are, you realise that THIS IS NOT NORMAL, especially for someone on Depo Provera, whose periods are meant to be stopping altogether. I mean, it's been nine days in the past, before I started using hormonal contraceptives, which is longer than it should be anyway (five days is normal), and I complained about that. When I had three a month, which lasted four days apiece, when I was on the pill, I complained about that. Nine days and 12 days both sound like heaven now. I think, if this is still going on when I get back from Sandy Balls, I need to see a doctor. It's embarrassing, but it's not as embarrassing as asking them to jab my ass or asking for the pill or free condoms. Or is it worse? Probably a lot worse, actually, but worth it.

Anyway, enough complaining about that - now I'll complain about something else! You probably all know that I've hated having crushes in the past. The way I upset Pooka with them, the way I got so fucking obsessed that I couldn't talk or even think of anything else. But now, saying that Dan is fit or Rikki is cute just feels so fake. I've tried to ogle videos of Justin Hawkins naked, but even that has no effect (and trust me, it had one hell of an effect before!). How can I, crush addict Becke, find it impossible to have crushes!? Great. When I didn't want them, I couldn't stop them attacking my mind and blocking out all rational thought, and now I DO want them, to stop me falling in love again, they just won't come! I think back to everyone I have ever crushed on, from Darren Mew to Drew McOnie to Callum Whitmarsh (which is no use cuz I can barely remember what any of them look like), on to Fred Durst, Wes Borland and Deryck Whibley (Deryck is the hardest one to get back because of what happened), Tim (been out with him so that's no use), Chris (couldn't crush on him while being friends with Hana), Deryck Newland (he's old and never talked to my face - ugh), Tom Clayson (that lasted about a day, plus Emma would kill me), Terry (bastard), Robin (I'd rather kill my own cats than go out with him again), Charlie Parker (barely know him), Rikki, Justin, Scott, Dan (do I want to cradle-snatch!?) .... none of them matter now.

WHY CAN'T I JUST GET A FUCKING CRUSH? AND WHY WON'T MY PERIOD JUST FUCKING STOP?

- b.k. x

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