Do you wanna piece of me?

How could she do that!?

OK, there was this MSN conversation that Lisa set up. Her, Ben, Tori, Paula, Adam and me. She set it up so that Ben and I could talk to each other, and all was going well until Tori was being all dirty and lovey around Ben. Then Paula said that she thought that Tori loved Ben (don't know whether that was to make me feel bad or just a random comment) and he didn't object. Now I can understand Paula trying to annoy me cuz she doesn't like me. But Tori's meant to be my friend. I shouldn't really blame her because she might not have known what the point of the conversation was, but she does know that I like Ben.

Maybe I'm just being silly .... it could just be .... oh, fuck knows. :(

Well, it was a good dream while it lasted. Now how about a song?

Someday (by Bikki)
I see white smoke
On black sky
The stars have gone to sleep tonight
But the moon is full and high

In this darkness
I'm alone
I wonder if there's anyone
Who knows I'm on my own

And your face comes into my mind
Do you know what a pathetic girl
You have left behind

Maybe someday you will walk my way
And I'll lift my head and smile at you
But you'll walk away no matter what I do
Someday you'll think of what I say
And you'll wonder if the way I feel
For you could be a love that's real
But my doubts are bigger than my dreams
And someday is far away it seems

They say this is
Just a phase
So why am I stuck in my room
I haven't dressed for days

I hear laughing
I'm your joke
You're getting everything you want
But all I have's my smoke

And your face though pretty it may be
You don't know just what disturbances
It has brought to me

Maybe someday you will walk my way
And I'll lift my head and smile at you
But you'll walk away no matter what I do
Someday you'll think of what I say
And you'll wonder if the way I feel
For you could be a love that's real
But my doubts are bigger than my dreams
And someday is far away it seems

That's exactly how I feel. That and like smashing my head through a window.

- b.k. x

OK, I've calmed down a bit now. Still not feeling great, but I'm not pissed off with Tori or Paula or anyone else now (apart from Lausie, but that's just cuz I'm a jealous fuckwit, and Lucy and Robin cuz I just don't like them). It was silly being pissed off with them - Tori hasn't really done anything wrong, I doubt that she knew what the conversation was for (turning Ben on is an easy mistake to make cuz it's so damn easy!), and Paula doesn't like me but she's a cool person and she hasn't done anything wrong either. Pooka - well, no point in being annoyed with him, and I don't see the point in him being annoyed with me.

Talked to Yasmin (polly_loves_dan) and Lisa last night, after that conversation was over and done with. Yasmin was very nice to me, she's lovely to talk to. :) As for Lisa - she said she's going to sort something out for me. I don't know what she's going to do, but apparently "she has her ways" and that is always good. I can trust she'll come up with some sort of brill idea, unless she already has. ;)

Nothing else to say really except that this fudge tastes like crap. :P

- b.k. x

How come with every LJ entry I write, I dig myself into a deeper hole?

- b.k. x

Darklings talk James

I have been waiting for ages to be able to talk about James to these people, and a proper argument too - and it's on my own appreciation thread! It's only for a bit and the subject's likely to get changed soon, but still, y'know. I feel properly appreciated now. :)

- b.k. x

Oh. My. God.

Nothing worse has ever, ever, EVER happened to me.

I feel like I'm about to burst into tears ....

.... fuck that, I HAVE burst into tears. :'(

My wrists are inviting me, the way they bleed.

But I must not. Must not. I'm above that now.

Calm down, Bikki, calm down. :(

- b.k. x