November 8th, 2004

The Party Scene

boys confuse me.

What does Pooka really think of me?

Am I really going out with / engaged to / nothing to do with Ben?

What is Chris Pardoe going on about ("I love you", etc. to Hana)?

And did anya4dan's Chris mean, "See you later" or "See you LATER"?

Cor, Esme was right. Different species, the buggers.

- b.k. x

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The Party Scene

oh. my. god.

Bebe, my grandma, just had an angina attack. For those who don't know, including myself, it's kind of like a heart attack (that's what my dad told me anyway).

She could have died.

I am seriously scared. What if she hadn't lived through it? What if she has another one and dies of it? I don't know what I'd do. It's unlikely, but what if she dies in the night and I know nothing about it, and I wake up in the morning and find out I can't do anything?

I just went downstairs to where she's sleeping, asked if she was OK and gave her a hug. She's fine now and she said that was worth being ill for - bless her.

I've seen these things happen on TV, and read them in books. I've seen these things happen to other people before. But I never thought that anyone close to me could die of a heart attack. I don't know how I'd feel if she did. However I'd feel, my mum would be a million times worse off. It'd be terrible. To top it off, Shaun told me today that Sam's mum's got cancer for the second time. What if she dies of that? How would Sam feel? Brave, probably, but that's what Sam is. And what I'm not. Nothing would hurt me more than if my mother died now. Not being with Pooka, all the bitching I've got going on, having nowhere to live, even my best friend (my kitten Biscuit, died in 2001) dying - nothing could compare to that. Nothing at all.

I've jabbered on a bit too much, and I'm worrying way too much. But I'm so upset.

And so damn scared.

- b.k. x

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