bikz (bikz) wrote,

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november remembrance ....

Pooka, or anyone else who is easily hurt by this sort of thing (including myself - I'm in tears now too), don't say I didn't warn you. I take no responsibility for anyone's hurt.

I'm reading Pooka's journal like a fuckwit now.

No sun - no moon!
No morn - no noon -
No dawn - no dusk - no proper time of day.
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member -
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds! -

- Thomas Hood

It felt like I was in a kind of dream -
But afterwards the night was oh-so-long.
Of course the only one to blame was me -
For Kessa didn't do anything wrong.

I am the one to blame, yes, this is true -
I deserve these gashes deep into my arm.
And I don't care about my feelings too -
As long as Kessa doesn't come to harm.

The boyfriend staggers wounded through his days -
The girlfriend's times through poetry and song.
But this could just be retrospective ways -
For Kessa didn't do anything wrong.

Why did I do all these things to myself -
Is this a punishment for days gone by?
Yet I'm the one destroying my own health -
So I'm the one I should be asking why.

Blame me for my condition, and my strife -
My days and nights are hell, and they're too long.
I blame myself for ruining my life -
For Kessa didn't do anything wrong.

- Ben "Pooka" Maydon

And the reply to the above one contained, "I love you". I was not with Robin then. I knew him only as the guy who was my fellow member of the Student Council (to be honest, I was a better member because I didn't talk about how annoying Ben Harwood and Heidi are every week, plus I organised the staff members to take notes), played snooker a lot, had a very, very, VERY überlarge mouth and probably fancied me. I also, contrary to popular belief, did not fancy anyone at that time.

"Naturally, I ended up with Becke a lot, and not many people can say they've been lying on the floor getting off in front of Tim Booth." - Pooka, 24/11/2003

True, not everyone can say that. into*me*see was amazing, and was truly intimacy, like it was meant to be. It was the last really good time I had with Pooka. Kate (Tim Booth's girlfriend) kept saying that she had never seen two people as much in love as Pooka and myself. After such a brill time, after the amount of time I spent begging Jan to let me take a train to Manchester (and also begging her to pay for it - I got my way in the end, HA!), and not to mention the amount of money (my own, not Jan's) I spent on hotels and taxis an' stuffs, I started going out with someone else four days later (extremely noticeable lack of countability here).


"So I spent all today dreaming about us having good times together.

I'm sure we will.

I love her."
- Pooka, 30/11/2003

I feel dirty. I feel guilty. I feel evil. How could I do all this?

Well, not literally, I don't deserve it.

Two days ago, two years ago, I got engaged.


Basically, I'm a shit, shit, SHIT person. No wonder everything's been crap lately. No wonder I've been so easily hurt, so often bitched. No wonder I've burned myself, spent a night crying and spent a whole day on at my mother and my therapist, probably boring the hell out of them, over some stupid joke.

I'm too sad and sensitive. I'm not even strong enough to handle a forum where people bitch me. Nobody else would leave for the reason I did. Everyone says to me, "Just ignore them," but I can't do that because I'm so stupid and useless. I need a life. I need a home. I need to be LOVED.

All I can say uncut is -
Two Darkness tickets for sale.
12th December 2004 (one year, two days on from when we broke up - still can't count).
London Wembley Arena.
Price negotiable.
Who wants?

- b.m. x [the bikki maydon who might have been]


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