bikz (bikz) wrote,

  • Mood:

I sing myself to sleep, a song from the darkest hour ....

I really can't sleep.

Talking to me old mate Katelyn on Teenchat, she's depressed, which is strange cuz she's not a depressive. Well, she has a reason - a year ago today was the last time she saw the living Deryck. She told me the story - she left him and said, "I'll see you in three days," and by the time she arrived on the Wednesday, he had passed away. This is making me cry now - best I leave this for Kattie. :'(

At least I'm seeing Pooka today. He may not be able to bring Deryck back to life, he may not be able to make Kate happy, but he'll be there for me and hold me when I need him most. I've been unhappy recently, yesterday and today in particular, and Pooka will make me feel better.

I love Pooka. I miss Pooka ....

.... I miss Deryck. Before I had Pooka, little Deryck Carpenter (the only useful Deryck, I know of three more - am I subconsciously collecting them or something!? - one of whom messed up many things, one of whom is a bitch and one of whom is four months old) was the one who understood me, my life-force, my weight-obsessed friend who was worse off than me, the one I would comfort through his bad times and who would comfort me through mine. The guy who loved pop-punk and his penis, who made up really cool songs, who called himself by a name that was not his own (for those who don't know, he was actually called James, which is a nicer name than Deryck but each to their own). He was SO much like Pooka, like a pre-Pooka indication of everything I wanted in a lover. Even though he never asked me out and we never met.

And now he's just not there any more. DAMN YOU ANOREXIA!

I need Pooka hugs. :(

m.a. x

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