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changes ....

I'm not just going to change my journal, I'm going to change everything. I'm changing colleges, I'm changing where I live, I'm changing my medication and I'm changing my journal - so why not change everything else?

1. First and foremost, I'm going to officially start dieting again. I don't want to be how I used to be, on-and-off dieting, obsessed with losing weight but never actually taking action. I need to exercise more and eat less. Less biscuits, less fudge, less everything. One or two small, unfinished meals per day, no snacks inbetween. That's it.

2. As for eating disorders, I want to give up recovery. I like Liz and I have nothing against Dinah, but being in recovery's just showed me that I have nothing to recover from. All I have is my half-arsed mindset. Why go into recovery for anorexia when I'm not even thin?

3. Also ED-related, bulimia has got to go entirely. I haven't purged in ages (I've binged and thought about it, but not actually thrown up), and I want to keep it that way. I don't even want to use it as a safety net if I do binge, which I won't. It doesn't work for me. I don't like it. I'm giving up induced vomiting forever.

4. Vomiting, as well as the fudge and biscuits, has caused my already-terrible teeth to get even worse. I need to get to the dentist ASAP and, no matter how scared I am, get fillings in those disgusting cavities. It's more of a long-term ideal than right now, but it's got to get sorted. I won't request gold teeth or white fillings like Jenny did, but something has to be done.

5. Along with new thinness and new teeth, my appearance has got to change. I want my hair cut and curled professionally, plus a new hair colour. Something I've never had before, not plain black or blonde or ginger. I'm thinking either a simple light brown or either blue, purple or scarlet, but so dark that you can only see it in the light. I also want a whole new wardrobe (well, I'll have one of those already, but I need new clothes to put in it!) and something to sort out my face. I don't think there's a permanent cure for eczema, but if there was I'd be first in line to get it. I'll have to stick with caking on the cream.

6. I need to stop crying about everything. Deryck is dead, anorexia killed him, I'm not going to be like him, get over it! When Pooka's depressed, I need to keep myself from crying when I could be hugging him and helping him. A pound I've gained or haven't lost isn't worth floods of tears, I'll just eat less and go down the gym the next day. I don't want to be un-emotional, it's just that crying is holding me back from positive thinking.

7. One thing I do NOT want to change - my boyfriend, Pooka. It's fairly obvious that I would never give him up, call off the engagement or want to see him less, I just want it clear that although I'm changing so many other things, one thing I will not change is that I love him so much that I can't describe it in words and I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

That is all - sorry for the long post, guys, if you want an lj-cut just tell me and I'll edit!

- m.a. x


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 29th, 2003 10:45 pm (UTC)
1 and 2 could be bad. Very bad. I want you to promise me that you'll be careful and keep an eye on what your ideal weight should be. Also, eating properly means a lot less depression and will help no end with 6, perhaps even 7 since if you're not depressed all the time yourself then you can be more supportive.

I would recommend that rather than eat two small unfinished meals a day with nothing else, that you have two or three full meals a day that contain all the nutrients and things you need to be fit, healthy and happy without putting on excess weight. This could be a more interesting challenge for you, I discovered when vegan that thinking about what you eat can almost be quite fun in a challengy sense, although I gave up after three weeks I think you'd have it easier. :-P

I'm gonna be honest and say I think you probably do still have a problem. Setting targets that low suggests that, whether you're thin now or not, you're anorexic anyway simply by your intentions. Think outside the box and look logically at it.

I'm worried about the diety bit, but I'm impressed with your other targets and things. It's all good stuff, much of which I need to take heed of myself. But as I say, keep an eye on what your ideal weight should be according to doctors and the like, people who really know what they're talking about. Perhaps even arrange a doctor's appointment to check any health risks through what you're planning. If you're really going to go at something like this, it's worth checking with those in the know to at least get another viewpoint on it.

And remember this: Smaller is not better. You have a boyfriend, you don't need to pull anyone. Even if you're did, you're a lot prettier than you used to be. Ask Pooka, you look great. Eat enough so you don't get depressed through undereating (I've done it myself, it's badness) and just make sure that you're healthy and comfortable in terms of how you feel, not how you look.

No LJ-cut necessary. :-P

Peace out.
Aug. 30th, 2003 05:27 am (UTC)
maybe it's just me ....
First of all, I do understand that you might worry about me. I am, after all, the only sister you have and don't seem to think is a cunt. :P

But there's nothing to worry about. I'm not Deryck, I'm not Kessa and I'm not Karen Carpenter. I'm a person in control of my own life, and like I said, my normal eating, distinct lack of throwing up and half-arsed mindset hardly constitutes anorexia or any other eating disorder. Apart from pica, which I am stuck with forever.

Besides, I don't want to take up Liz's time or Dinah's time when they could be giving help to some poor dying Walsallian or Somerseter who needs their help.

- m.a. x

Aug. 30th, 2003 12:46 pm (UTC)
Re: maybe it's just me ....
You've not really replied to most of what I've said there. Get some doctor's advice or just stick to three proper meals a day, can't get healthier than that.

I'm sure Deryck thought he was in control at some stage. All I'm saying is be careful, and consider every possibility that you might be wrong.
Aug. 30th, 2003 02:24 pm (UTC)
Yes, love, you need to be careful with your weight loss. By all means try and be thinner - god, I know what it feels like to want to be thinner! - but, if you became TOO thin, I don't think I could stand that, love...

...and do you want me to buy you some Milk Teeth toothpaste, if you're going to look after your teeth? It tastes lubbly.

Thank you for keeping me - I really don't deserve it.

Love. x
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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