Grr, why can't I just eat normally? Being fat doesn't seem to matter to me any more, I just want to get out of here. In fact, I'd rather weigh 120lbs than 90lbs at the moment, because if I get thin I'm just going to want to get thinner. I have no idea what my weight is now, but to maintain around 110 and be eating 2-3 meals a day and nothing at night would suit me just fine. Maybe if I ate right during the day I'd be able to sleep better at night, and if I am asleep I can't binge (unless I contract that nocturnal sleep-related thing - worry worry), and even if I wasn't asleep I'd still be full of my dinner, therefore not hungry.
I'm dreading Christmas dinner though - not because I'll eat too much, but because I might just sit there not eating and feel seriously dim. Or maybe I will eat too much and end up purging after dinner or starving myself through Boxing Day, which I don't want to do as it's Christmas and I'm meant to be happy. I had an extremely unhappy and fucked-up Christmas last year, and I want a good one this time round.
- k.s. x