bikz (bikz) wrote,
bikz
bikz
  • Mood: confused

eating

Just had a late-night binge - but it doesn't matter to me now. I ate very not much during the day. I don't know why, but I get really hungry and then lose the hunger the moment I've got a plate in front of me. Maybe I'm turning even more into Robin - I went round to Fourwinds almost every night in a row for about three weeks, ate dinner there most of the time and yet I've only seen him eat dinner twice (once on his birthday, which was pizza and a very large slice of cake, and once when Jenny practically forced it down his throat and he complained a lot). And I've got Chris's night eating syndrome while I'm at it. I swear, there are too many people with EDs at Farleigh - Robin as I just said (he also told me he was diagnosed at some point), Chris as I just said, Rob and Heidi who were hospitalised with anorexia, Tim who had problems (even though he said they were bigger than they actually were), Andrew and John who overeat, and then there's me and I don't know what I've got. Ever read the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher? Well, this is the British Interlochen.

Grr, why can't I just eat normally? Being fat doesn't seem to matter to me any more, I just want to get out of here. In fact, I'd rather weigh 120lbs than 90lbs at the moment, because if I get thin I'm just going to want to get thinner. I have no idea what my weight is now, but to maintain around 110 and be eating 2-3 meals a day and nothing at night would suit me just fine. Maybe if I ate right during the day I'd be able to sleep better at night, and if I am asleep I can't binge (unless I contract that nocturnal sleep-related thing - worry worry), and even if I wasn't asleep I'd still be full of my dinner, therefore not hungry.

I'm dreading Christmas dinner though - not because I'll eat too much, but because I might just sit there not eating and feel seriously dim. Or maybe I will eat too much and end up purging after dinner or starving myself through Boxing Day, which I don't want to do as it's Christmas and I'm meant to be happy. I had an extremely unhappy and fucked-up Christmas last year, and I want a good one this time round.

- k.s. x

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