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Becke Hayes's Diary

I really am beginning to feel like Bridget Jones now. Sitting around, bored, listening to songs from the soundtrack, flirting online, drinking (although it isn't vodka, more like 7up), smoking to excess and writing this.

I like flirting online (or, in my case, being flirted with, hehehe). Call me sad if you like, but if I can't have a relationship and I can't flirt in real life, it's the third best thing. I know that nothing will come of it, which is good in a way as I don't want to be going out with weird people from the internet (no offence meant to Pooka here and even less offence meant to James). I also only pick the people who I can have good conversations with as well as flirt, not just any old tossers up for cybersex - I'm not that desperate!

Now, I have no problems with listening to music, drinking 7up (even though my bottle has been around for a while and is getting a bit gross now) or writing this, but one thing I DO have a problem with is smoking. I used to love every minute of it - going out for a fag with my mates, taking it in, the nicotine head rushes I'd get after I had one - but here, there's no mates, I don't take it in properly cuz my throat is too sore and I don't get head rushes any more (you only get those when you smoke a small amount, 20 a day is nowhere near as enjoyable as 5 a day). But now I hate it. I feel sick after every one, my throat is killing, my precious singing voice is now turning into a croak, it's costing me fuckloads of money, my skin's getting worse, my childhood asthma's probably on its way back, my room looks like there's fog in the house and, although my image of myself has a tendency to be distorted, I doubt that it's turned me into a Kate Moss lookalike. I hate the way it makes me feel - and yet, I can't stop. Just like the way bulimia and cutting were for me when I did those. I'll buy my last packet of fags (hopefully my last packet EVER!) tomorrow, smoke them all before I go and see the nurse and come out ready to face the world, probably with nicotine patches all over my tits but I'll do that. It'll be worth it - I hope.

I'm also now determined to be a new single woman. Morty told me on the phone that it will get better - although, if a worthwhile boyfriend turns up at my doorstep, I can not see myself saying no! I just won't go around asking is all. One step at a time, Becke, that's the way to be doing it.

Fuck, I miss "doing it".

- k.s. x


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 28th, 2004 10:31 pm (UTC)
I'm sticking by what I said, it does get easier and it's far better in the long run, just have to be strong as you can right now. A string of meaningless relationships is gonna make you feel worse.

I'm glad you stuck "worthwhile" in that bit at the end, providing it doesn't mean p&p included (pulse and penis, natch).

Is good that you're seeing smoking in a different light as well. This post looks like you've got things sorted in your head somewhere. :-P

The "last pack" is probably not a good idea, might be better to just stop. Up to you on that one but I think just not allowing yourself to spend money on it will be good.
Jan. 29th, 2004 03:12 am (UTC)
for the typical rachel advice:

get one of these.

they're multi-functional, near silent, reasonably priced, nice to start with and it's my current favourite toy. although if you share a room at college you might want to keep it at home. they're fun and you start to just need friends more as opposed to people to satisfy you which is a nice feeling.

(this is my next toy i think - it looks hilarious)

about smoking:

do not smoke all your last quickly, cut down slowly and it works much better. becki (friend of mine) has gone from 40-a-day to 5-a-day and it's that much cheaper for her. good luck with it, you've seen me spectacularly fail once (i will try again!!!)
Jan. 29th, 2004 05:18 am (UTC)
With any luck, I won't be sharing a room for much longer, and even if I am, it would be hilarious for Lindsey to come home and wonder what's happening under the covers. Mehehe. ;)

I would give up straight away, but it'll be way too hard until I get some proper help. And trust me, if I buy a pack of 20 today and smoke at my usual rate, it won't be any rush to finish them.

Thanks for the advice. :)

k.s. x
Jan. 29th, 2004 04:40 am (UTC)
heh, i've had a few bridget jones moments - bottle of vodka, loud music, tuneless drunken singing..oh how the neighbours loved me.. *lol*
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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