bikz (bikz) wrote,

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Becke Hayes's Diary

I really am beginning to feel like Bridget Jones now. Sitting around, bored, listening to songs from the soundtrack, flirting online, drinking (although it isn't vodka, more like 7up), smoking to excess and writing this.

I like flirting online (or, in my case, being flirted with, hehehe). Call me sad if you like, but if I can't have a relationship and I can't flirt in real life, it's the third best thing. I know that nothing will come of it, which is good in a way as I don't want to be going out with weird people from the internet (no offence meant to Pooka here and even less offence meant to James). I also only pick the people who I can have good conversations with as well as flirt, not just any old tossers up for cybersex - I'm not that desperate!

Now, I have no problems with listening to music, drinking 7up (even though my bottle has been around for a while and is getting a bit gross now) or writing this, but one thing I DO have a problem with is smoking. I used to love every minute of it - going out for a fag with my mates, taking it in, the nicotine head rushes I'd get after I had one - but here, there's no mates, I don't take it in properly cuz my throat is too sore and I don't get head rushes any more (you only get those when you smoke a small amount, 20 a day is nowhere near as enjoyable as 5 a day). But now I hate it. I feel sick after every one, my throat is killing, my precious singing voice is now turning into a croak, it's costing me fuckloads of money, my skin's getting worse, my childhood asthma's probably on its way back, my room looks like there's fog in the house and, although my image of myself has a tendency to be distorted, I doubt that it's turned me into a Kate Moss lookalike. I hate the way it makes me feel - and yet, I can't stop. Just like the way bulimia and cutting were for me when I did those. I'll buy my last packet of fags (hopefully my last packet EVER!) tomorrow, smoke them all before I go and see the nurse and come out ready to face the world, probably with nicotine patches all over my tits but I'll do that. It'll be worth it - I hope.

I'm also now determined to be a new single woman. Morty told me on the phone that it will get better - although, if a worthwhile boyfriend turns up at my doorstep, I can not see myself saying no! I just won't go around asking is all. One step at a time, Becke, that's the way to be doing it.

Fuck, I miss "doing it".

- k.s. x


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